Depression

Every so often I get into this really depressed state. It mostly has to do that I have no one to trust. I have no intimacy in my life. All I have is me and that depressed me, cause sadly, I am nothing. I don’t find anything about me appealing. All I feel I have is a large penis, and after that…what makes a guy like me? If any guys ever like me?

IDK, Valentines Day was today, and usually it doesn’t get to me. I mean, I know I won’t get anything, cause I don’t have any friends nor do I have a boyfriend. I saw a lot of singing Valentines in all my classes today and none of it effected me. Then I got to work, and I guess it just started hitting me, just what was my life coming to? I know that Randalls isnt the end of the line for me, I am going off to college and will have a career. I will never spend my life in retail. If I am, I will kill myself, plain and simple. Nothing is worth the torment retail is to me. I see it as a place people go when they were too stupid or lazy, or broke to go to college. How anyone of those poeple can support a family and themselves on $7.00 an hour is beyond me. They do though, and thats that.

The thing that got me was I guess the feeling that my crush, and that other guy have something going. Today I noticed a apprehension and sensuality between them. Like M knew that P checked him out and they had something more going. It was…too much to me I guess. I bet I am overreacting and seeing things that aren’t there, but…I feel like I am right about this one. Most likely completely wrong though. I need to get off crushing on people, and on to finding someone.

I always bounce back though. I always put back on my mask and go through it all. It gets harder and harder to find behind the mask though. I guess I just need to get through high school and I can start looking to the future to fix my problems.

~ by apollo89 on February 15, 2008.